Gee...I'm nice!

The 28 gifts of love

(similar to tune of 12 Days of X'mas...)

On the first day of my birthday, my close friends gave to me
I heart-shaped bracelet
Pair of heart shape earrings
and kisses of their luuurrrvvveee

With the hearts and the kisses the true friends gave to me,
12 bandagesssssss
8 packs of cookies
and 1 smiling middle finger

For these pressies of love
Signify all their wishes
Luck in romanccceee
Neverending kissessss
Never go a'huuunnngrrry
Heal all broken heaaarrrts
And a charm against all grief

Plus a little green bracelet which is my colour
To give me strength and da force
Finally the two watches
That my heart desireth
See me thru different 'casions
Added with surpriiissseeesss
In the form of choccccooo eeggg
These're my 28 gifts o' love

Oh my dear friends who have giveth me
So much o' luuurrrvvveee
1 Kinderth Surprise
Grinning Middle Finger
Pair of Hearty Earrings
Two Lovie Watches
Red and Greenie Bracelets
Pack of Fluffy Kisses
Eight Deli Cookies
Twelve Bandie Stickies
And Lotsa Love to last the whole yeeaaarrr.

(based on the little poem from Bud)

X'mas resolution 3: Keeping in touch with those I love

You know who you are: my friends who are an important part of me and who have been here for me all this while!

There is a second group of people I love: the ones who left a deep impression in Europe. It might sound a tad pretenious by declaring that I love them though we only met briefly this September, how else could I explain how I think about Chris and Mom, Abby and Landau from time to time? The brief couple of hours on the journey when we put aside our own preoccupations and opened our hearts to include others without reservation? The ones whom I don't have pictures of - Linda from Ecosse International, the uncle beside me on the train to Edinbugh and Zu in Geneva- I remember all of you fondly. Though I have not kept in touch for months as promised, I resolve to do that this X'mas.

My friends, Merry X'mas!

X'mas resolution 2: Clear some clutter outta my life!

Housekeeping has never been my forte. My colleagues use me as the benchmark for workstation cleanliness... thank goodness there is no clean desk policy in place in my company or else my boss, "Mr Carrier Man" for his red and white striped shirt would have added this to my list of sins (underneath 'disclosing P&C HR info in 5th Anniversary speech' and 'wearing red Chuck Taylors' among others) in his black notebook. While my workstation remains in catatrophic conditions, I am working towards clearing some clutter from my life and here is my proposed wholistic approach:

1. Clearing my room - I have spent this evening unpacking my luggage from Perth (some of the stuff inside were packed for Korea, passed down to Europe and then to Perth) and finally placed my luggage case in its restful position. Felt a tinge of sadness and loss as it was a conclusion to my jetsetting lifestyle in 2006. I wish I am back in London - the long walks at night, breakfast at Pret a Manger reading on Taiwanese politics, or among the theatre crowd at the interlude... I also packed away the many birthday and X'mas gifts of love from my friends and those that are not in my bursting wardrobe are in the neat blue China bag that the DWPers + SC have given me for my 28th birthday pack. Next on the agenda will be reorganising my books and notes which are stacked at the side almost reaching the ceiling and relocating my bookshelf, then I will be very set for a new academic semester in 2007. Gambatte neh XY!

2. Clearing my mind of neurotic excesses and memories which shouldn't be kept ie the regrettables aka PMM, the Fairfield shortie and the square from Times Bookshop days ...

3. Moving on from people who don't deserve my time - I shan't spend time naming these individuals

X'mas resolution 1: Stay off attached men

Contrary to Bud's suggestion (albeit jokingly) that I should be a "scheming third party", I am going to stay off attached men. To start with, here is what I am going to do:

1. Getting down from forgetting to ignoring Perth: Seems like this friendship might even be hard to keep, especially when he wasn't even there to produce a listening ear as promised when I really needed someone to help sort out my thoughts re my academic direction. I know his gf is not in town now but I'm so not going to use the chance to get closer as per San's advice. My time deserves to be better used for ...

the following exceptions:

1. Ruppie: We are planning to wear matching matching red and white sneakers with jeans, as part of our campaign to raise $ for Children's Cancer Society. Have to take my hat over to Jen for coming out with such an ingenious idea (ie excuse) for us to break company rules. This is what I would call "everyday politics" (this might be a good blog category to apply all the political theories I have been picking up from school so as to ensure whatever loads of academic excesses I have hoarded in my brain will not degenerate into neurosis and diffuse into streams of consciousness and haunt me in nightmares -- I think the first signs of it are showing...oh no!)

2. The fluffy "Bless u" langzai: I am inviting him to breakfast on Saturday. It started just with the two of us but then I am asking another girlfriend and Ruppie along for double date sharing a whole table of carrot cake, fried kway teow, laksa, po piah...

3. The date I have been waiting for - Francis: I can't believe I have to put in so much effort in order to see Francis on Saturday - two trips to the post office and hunting over my drawers, not for the ideal outfit, but for my PDL, so that I can resume my driving lesson after a lapse of three months! I'm very sure Francis is so looking forward to this date too, he has been mentioning about me to Bud many a times. Oooooh.... absense makes the heart grow fonder...LOL...

And in order that I can fulfill this X'mas resolution, I am going to spend most of the X'mas holiday with thoughts of married male academics...




The READINGS...ok?!

The HIGH UNCERTAINTY AVOIDERS are causing me GRIEF!

What is this world coming to???

People are driving me nuts within a span of 10 minutes on a sleepy Monday afternoon

Scenario One
P: ... You sounded impatient yesterday when I called you, what's wrong? If it's the same busy thing, then I sound like a broken record. It's so difficult to call you these days. We can meet another day if you really have no time this Wednesday...Maybe I am wrong to think this way... I am sorry if I always call you at the wrong time. I will sms next time.
(and goes on to arrange for appointment on Wed)


Me: Did I give you the impression that I am not keen to meet on Wednesday? I am actually looking forward to it. I told you on the phone yesterday that I was in the hospital visiting my colleague. You sounded uptight and hesitant to talk/put down the phone and it is difficult for me to talk when many people are around me...Yes, I'm afraid to say you are wrong to think this way and this is causing me grief. Are you too stressed recently that's why you are a bit sensitive?
(with a sigh of resignation, confirmed details on Wed's appointment)

((What I really MEANT to say: WTF? Who am I now? Your boyfriend? Puhleasssssse I am just a girlfriend who has drifted miles apart from you. And I am no longer the aunt agony whom you used to turn to time and again for all your problems and insecurities, and I don't wish to be the sinner who opts to let go time and again. Why do you have to insist on wanting to confirm details of Wed's appointment when this is just Monday and while I am battling sleepiness and crappiness inside while acting chirpy outside?! Pls let me accumulate good karma by denying me the chance to act neurotic about it and blogging for catharsis.))

Scenario Two
While my conversation with P was going on and the twenty minutes I was reeling over it, Ruppie was on the phone quietly with his gf quarrelling again... sigh~ She had been calling him cos he's playing the unresponsive game... another high uncertainly avoider causing me grief indirectly cos I wanted to complain about Scenario One to him!

Scenario Two
Me: Hi Auntie Lor Sor, are you free to coordinate getting a X'mas present for our boss?
Lor Sor: Ok, sure but pls tell me what I can get (and goes on asking five more questions)
Me: Erh... can I get back to you later pls? I am in the midst of something and I can't really talk now cos someone (P) is causing me a lot of grief
Lor Sor: Oh ok ok

(Two minutes later ...)

Lor Sor: (asking one question)
Me: (answered one question after another) x 5

((What I really MEANT to say:
PLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT TO BLOG IN PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEE!))

The beast within me is a dark, wicked one...

2 X'mases...

It's a year since T left
Placed him with memories behind my mind
It did not hurt as much as thought
As I was prepped for his leaving
No regrets it didn't work out
Cos I tried and knew it wasn't meant to be
But why did it hurt a wee bit more
One X'mas later?

Thoughts of T kept recurring
As I found a new focus
Have I settled for lesser
A he less critical and chivalrous
and yet more honest and uncomplicated
But why did both fail to notice the one before them?

2 X'mases and 2 misses
Angst not but pure weariness
I lament not for them who have bypassed me
But for the love that has evaded me
And the loneliness that will seep in this X'mas
Why is it always so complex?

"Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start"

Me stressed?!

In the spirit of one of my favourite friends, Bren Bren, I am trying my hand at what I call a "rattling blog". A "rattling blog" is one where I can just express my random thots on whatever that comes to my mind. (Isn't this the case for many other blogs?!)

Not for me lor... I put in a lot of heart, soul and a few drops of tears as I wrote "Forget Perth..." It proved to be very healing for me as I got my close friends to read it and they felt the sadness. It's not about self-pity but rather unabashed vanity... embarassingly speaking. Rather I started to focus on other things (eg thinking about how I want to blog more regularly etc, slotting some reading inbetween so I won't be too demented over the school hols with all the socialising and feasting etc).

Next came my fifth anniversay speech which was a big high(light) of my pathetic life (while recovering from my lows from Perth). It was indeed a stroke of inspiration as I sat at my very messy desk (which was actually 5x2 messier since I started) half hour before the party. I was probably stressed by my colleagues' egging over lunch on how I should not make another normal boring speech (the kind that gives thanks to all colleagues etc) and it seemed natural that the "5" theme came along (that I have to give thanks to my fav MayDay). I was quite nervous (I must have told this to others at least ten times) and worried that nobody would laugh at what I was saying but the response was a v v pleasant surprise. (THANK U CAPITAL AGAIN... I LOVE U FOLKS!) That high lasted over the weekend and over the 5 hours as I sat on the crowded bus from Bahau to KL, next to a strange youth that had his hand on his crouch and I saw him trying to scratch discreetly...I made a conscious effort keeping awake just in case he decides to put his hand somewhere else... Anyway I kept myself awake by recalling the speech I made last Friday and about Perth. In the end I could almost memorize the speech backwards and I really wanted to forget Perth! (Haha Bud actually laughed when I told her this.)

I have to say thanks to Bud for reminding me that I might be settling for lesser in Perth. She thinks the sole exposure to the only guy available during the trip probably magnified his virtues disproportionately. At this point I don't quite agree but I respect her views. Hence I have decided to take our relationship easy. Well on record, we are "platonic friends" by definition cos I stated it thinking foolishly that it would set me free... but obviously Ruppie's theory only works for himself and me! (pls Minty n Bud and whoever, it is never possible with me n Ruppie!) I just hope this tranquil state of mind (or rather heart) will remain unfluttered when I see Perth for another round of "intellectual discussion" this Sunday (gosh I have not done serious reading yet! Been spending my time blogging and doing other nonsensical stuff...). Back to my long-suffering heart taking a break, I was so looking forward to be attracted to the "langzai" sitting in front of me but then I made 2 loud sneezes which were greeted by a very sweet, feathery and fluffy "Bless u"...gosh the normal me would have gotten my heart melted like the cheese fondue in the red pot I had in Geneva old town (which btw tasted good with pepper surprisingly!). But then if I have felt a tweeny bit of affection for J****n, I wouldn't have sneezed like the way I do in front of Ruppie to the langzai...Sigh~

"X***Q*** stop talking!" San laughingly told me as we were trying to cross the road with some cars approaching us from the distance. Wahahaha... was I really talking a lot last night? The only likely reasons I could think of my verbal diarrhoea at work and after were:
- I was happy to be back at work and seeing my colleagues
- I did not really want to work and so concentrated on spending my 8 hrs yakking
- I had not reached my 20,ooo word per day quota/day cos I was in Malaysia for the past 4 days and in KL especially I seldom talk. So I was catching up
- I was happy to be out of work and catching up with my old friends

EviL produced her two cents when she asked me first thing this morning.."Sis.. r you better? ... U seemed stressed yesterday cos u kept on talking."

Me stressed?!

Thank you X 5!

As I look back upon my five years with Capital it amazes me that I have had a series of 5 milestones:

Achievements over the 5 years?
- I changed my hairstyles 5 times
- gained 5 kg
- my table is 5 times messier. There is this joke round the room that you can't see me with all the clutter on my desk
- 5 babies. S***n has 3 girls; L***a has 1 kid on the way and...Ruppie
- but yet never more than 5% increment

5 best things abt Capital:
- the distance. I always boast about the fact that I can wake up at 8.20am and then report for work at 9am. I am proud to say that I have the best punctuality record in the room.
- the view. From where I am sitting, I can see our new office and hopefully next time from the new office, I can see the old office.
- my workstation. All the space I have with allows me to have all the clutter. I still have the 2003 calender somewhere on my table.
- all the parties. Which explains the 5kg...
- the wonderful people here which brings me to the...

5 main groups of people i want to highlight and thank especially:
- I want to thank my ex-boss M Farley, who found higher calling in being a cordon bleu chef after 13 yrs in capital. I hope I won't take this long to get the same enlightenment
- my bosses - M**k - for giving us room to develop and improve on our roles, M*i - for keeping me very, very stimulated in the Taiwanese and Chinese markets, J*****er - for keeping us on our toes and yet often encouraging, J* - for being absent so I won't have to think of saying something good abt her--- i'm kidding here, she's a cool boss
- all the marketing assistants, past and present, for all their help
- the rest of the office who have been an important part of my life all this time
- my team - S***n - for being our mother hen, L***a - the resident rock chick with all her moves, E****e - for her sense of humor, Ruppie - for doing all the food runs when we are hungry in the afternoon. I work with a great team and I love u all guys.
This is why before I came to Capital I had 4 jobs in 4 yrs but after Capital it's 1 job in 5 years.

THANK U CAPITAL FOR THE GLORIOUS 5

Forget Perth...

I am sad.

Forget about the nice long walk we took around the city.
the story he shared about the auntie whom he wanted to get chocolates for.
the cheesy bit about his love for public service,
that moved me greatly.

Forget about the nice intellectual conversation we had the first night,
over politics, hegemons and counter discourses.
Did he enjoy the epistemic exchange as much?
He must have shared a better one with her that dinner.

Forget about the meal where we took a break from academics
and he defended his shallowness.
If he was intrigued by brains and not appearance,
why did he fail to notice the one before him?
I stopped being conscious and declared us as friends,
little did I know i fell more deeply into it.

Forget about the common pursuit for knowlege
and the rush we got from envisioning the journey.
And the discussions on what we saw and heard.
Our dreams and goals,
how we aspire to join the league.

Forget about how contented I felt,
driven by him as we explored the valley.
Time seemed to stop and then stole away quickly.
His patience and quietness
as he told me I guided him to the same turn the fifth time.

Forget about how he took my crankiness, nagging
and teasing all in his stride,
yet somewhat seriously when I commented on his hair.
How he would look out for me,
and helped me along in his chivalrous uncharismatic ways.

Forget about the ice-creams we shared,
and how I was pained and happy to guide him to her heart.
Forget about how anxious he seemed
in his desire to know her better.

Haven't we shared enough to start seeing the one afront?
I did, will you?

Forget Perth.